Expecting To Fly-12

Lorraine with new specks, new view 2012

Sitting in a doctor’s office waiting room, my lap top out, I took the lowercase letter “i” and began creating names of imaginary online businesses and services. Like products as the ipod and ipad, I combined “i” with letters in the alphabet beginning with “a” and going through to “z.” Very quickly I arrived at names as: iAm, iAlias, iBet, iCare, and so on. I know, it’s kind of odd but I had time on my hands and, as you know, I enjoy messing with words. So, I’ll share with you what derived from this especially long doctor’s waiting room experience.

As I plowed through the alphabet creating on-line business names, for example “iCare,” some of them made me grin as they came forward. So, I went back and drafted two tag lines for each of the more interesting ones. I was in a quirky mood, so the tongue and cheek writing that was produced reflects this.

Tag lines augment the company/business name and are the marketing bait designed to entice a potential client. You see them all the time on TV commercials. They’re very short, must be easily understood phrases defining the company and/or product service. Here’s an example of a business name and tag line I created and combined: “iCare: Because others don’t.”

I enjoy the process of describing complex things with very few words. It’s a challenge I can’t resist. These business names and introductory tag lines came very quickly with a secondary tag line also emerging. Here is how the business name, first and second taglines work together:  

iCare: Because others don’t.

Caring takes time. Time they don’t give, but we do.

This secondary tagline alludes to the desired outcome and benefit a client could derive from using the product or service. It’s the tag line a client sees or hears last then hopefully acts quickly to contact the company.

This word game I created was fun and a little addicting. Once the tag lines were laid out, I then went back and drafted very short descriptions that further outlined the company’s “service.” Clearly, the services I outlined were meant to be irreverent, poke fun, editorialize, and inject social commentary via a combination of very colloquial and also business language. It’s a fun vehicle to say what you normally wouldn’t about all the goofy stuff we each might experience during our daily lives. 

I got carried away. I admit I did. So feel free to check some out now and then come back. Also, the entries below aren’t necessarily in the order they were created. In short, this is what derived from my recent, very long, doctor’s office wait.

iCare: Because others don’t.

Life is busy, very busy. So, when family and friends don’t have the time for you iCare steps in. We can help with big and small life matters including changing your will noting who’s been there for you and those that think they deserve your assets, but at your end, they’ll have to get a job. We care, 24/7.

Caring takes time. Time they don’t give, but we do.

iWill: Edit your life, edit your will.

Whether you own a lot or your assets are modest, people will be sniffing around after you kick the bucket. iWill provides disinterested professionals who will set things straight. We’ll comb through your wishes, identify decisions you should make, clarify who will benefit, and create a firewall between your assets and those thieving-relatives/hangers-on who’ll try to run the table.

Nouns and verbs that work. Rest in peace now…and later!

iJest: I’m kidding, but I’m not.

Throughout history there’s been a need for telling “truths” so that the pressure of oppression or inequity can be tolerated. History has also shown that just blurting out “truths” can get you, and those near you, ruined or deleted. Court jesters walked that fine, but necessary line. Without court jesters, comedians, satire, or “tongue and cheek” comment, we’d all have hives, pimples, or revolutions would happen with greater frequency. iJest will outfit you with a bullet proof vest and help you to be effectively sarcastic and witty. We’ll give you the tools to hone your craft while also minimizing your overall risk liability. 

Truth hurts, but it’s time they knew.

iCan: Because others can’t, won’t, or shouldn’t.

Even under the toughest circumstance, humans split in two groups: those that figure out how to get through it and those that whine––“expecting” answers from someone else. It’s just the way it is. iCan makes it easy for you to get it done through a pre screened list of experienced and highly motivated individuals that never learned to spell “can’t,” “scared,” “tired,” or “whine.”  

Get the best. Get it done.

iCool: Know your assets because others don't.

Life isn’t always fair. We know that. If you hunch because you’re tall, clog around in high shoes because you’re short, or try to hide or avoid ridicule by “blending” to fit in, iCool can help. Being cool equals attitude and confidence. Wear plaid pants, rolled down white socks, remove your implants, or wear white after Labor Day if that’s what you want. Make it cool because it’s you! Most folks are just followers anyway.

Know who you are, what you like, and screw the rest!

iBet: I bet if I did this, or that.

How many times have you heard or said, “I bet if I had ____I could ____.” If you want something bad enough, it’s time to drop the lame excuses. iBet will you pin you down, won’t let you wiggle away until you’re walking toward door #1.

Time to cut the crap. Go for it!

iBet: When it counts, guessing isn’t Ok 

There’s a whole lot of guessing going on in the world. Some by design, some because a whole lot more people are just plain ignorant. If you really want to know, iBet will get you the information you need. If you’re one of those taking huge liberty with untrue facts and figures that you think folks won’t notice, iBet will set you straight and maybe sue you.

Guessing costs. Knowing is better.

iHeck: Being responsible all the time sucks. Give-a-flying-heck only now and then.

In groups, there are leaders and followers. Most real leaders don’t want the job, but step up because the group is lame, going in circles, or in denial as they walk straight for the cliff. Being responsible, you step in when you’d rather focus on your own needs for a change. iHeck helps you do that. We’ll give you the tools and situations to say, “f..ck that! You’re on your own,” “I don’t give a flying-heck,” or “Not this time buddy.”

Let them do it. Gone fishing!

iDo: Time’s a-waisting. Either you will or you won’t.

Some folks are definite and act without hesitation. Others have to ponder the universe before spitting out what they know they want to do or say. iDo will help cowards say what they want to say and do what they really want to do.

Feel better! Say it for Christ sakes!

iLip: Be edgy, peculiar, and irreverent when it counts.

How many times have you said, “Dang, I wish I’d said that!” Under pressure or under attack it’s common to freeze up. iLip gets you ready. The next time some idiot tries to feel bigger at your expense, be ready to deliver razor sharp lip that can maim. We’ll make it reflex.

Smile and get the last f--king word.

iJustice: Justice for some and less for others.

Tired of witnessing injustice? Tired of seeing those with money, size, nice guy cloaks, and access avoid consequence? Tired of lying bullies that lurk in all areas of human experience? iJustice can help. iJustice delivers super volunteers with ethics, genius, and their own cash to swoop on your problem. iJustice will check it out, strategize on foot, then set it right. Those well-positioned jerks will never know what hit them.

Make them pay. Justice for all!

iJust: Excuses, halfsteps, I just can’t.

I know, life is complicated and can be tough, for some more so than others. Whether you’re at the top of the food chain or catching the scraps, excuses are always in full tilt. It’s annoying. “If I could just ___,” fills the air ways and clogs up everyone’s chi. If you’re going to take any step at all, take a full step or why bother. If you want it, pretend the word “can’t” doesn’t exist. In other words, excuses are lame and tired. iJust will snatch away the fear of flying and boot you right out of a nest that no longer fits. You’re grown. So, act like it.

Sure you can. Don’t cry, fly!

iKeep: When you can’t trust yourself to protect important things.

People vary in their ability to control urges. They gamble, drink, cheat, steal, insider trade or “appropriate” museum relics that really belong to another country. The list is long and crosses all sectors of society. You know who you are, and in some cases, so does the FBI. Denial is a daily structure you afford yourself when in fact it’s weight-bearing capacity will fail during the inevitable inspection. iKeep will store and lock away items that legitimately and ethically belong to you so that you can’t borrow money against them. iKeep will also help you identify items that you cannot be sure were ever really yours. Know what’s yours and protect them from your vices. Return what’s not yours without doing time.

Trust us to make you honest. Give it up, get, or get out of the country!

iKnow: Ask me because you don’t know. Go ahead. Ask me.

Some people retain information like a computer. They read a lot, observe, pay attention, care about the world when the rest of the population further dulls its mental faculty with electronics, reality TV, malls, and all the distractions meant to keep them “in check.” For those that want to step away from all that, even for a moment, and know something, anything, iKnow can help. iKnow let’s you actually talk to another human that either already knows, or can find it out for you, then engage you in a quality human conversation. Loose the inflatable adult doll, pause Siri and all that blood spattering gaming, and try thinking and speaking in real time with real humans. Living for real.

Snap out of it! Ask me, ask me. Let’s talk!

iKnew: “I knew that!”

How many times do you hear "I knew that!" when you know the fool doesn’t have a clue? Don’t be one of those obvious and lame folks. Know what the heck you are talking about and if you don’t know, cop to it. iKnew will give you the tools to avoid faking knowledge. Instead, you’ll have the confidence to say, “Oh yah?” “Didn’t know that,” “Really?” or “That’s interesting.”

Don’t fake. Be confident about what you don’t know.

iKnew: Hunches, signs, patterns. Do you want the truth or do you want to stay “happy”?

Many people know deep down when they’re being played or lied to. They just don’t want to know. They wait for some “clear” sign instead of watching their checking accounts, confidence, or circle of real friends get smaller. iKnew will sit you down, back-hand you, then layout the facts while holding your head still so you can’t turn away. You’ll admit that you “knew” it all along, just didn’t want to see it. We’ll get you through it. We’ll get you to the other side.

Now you know. So, move on!

iLapse: Brain choking, memory slipping. Tools to remember this or that ‘cause no one else will

Whether your equipment is old, you’re in denial, or just hung over, remembering can sometimes be a problem. Taking vitamins, getting enough sleep, being vegan, and living well can help, but brain slippage may still persist. iLapse will size up your particular situation and help you do the best with what you have. Shore yourself up.

What more do you have to loose? Enjoy and remember as long as you can!

iLarge: Take only what you need. Leave the rest.

In a country whose assets are out of proportion with the rest of the globe, we’re addicted to wanting more. Bigger cars, boobs, genitals, heels, bank accounts, the list is long and obscene. “Supersize me” is the tag line for an insecure culture that is never full yet often swollen and sluggish. iLarge can help. Leave it to us to set you right and leave you satisfied with what you have or much less. Professionals will assess your unique situation and possibly have you pack your bags and sent to an undisclosed adjustment vacation site. We guarantee you’ll see things differently when you return.

Enough of that for you. More for everyone else!

iLoan: Need money quick? We’ve got it.

Got people making rude calls, threatening mail piling up, and parking your car where it can’t been seen and hauled off? Burned all your bridges and no one left to ask? Well, yes you’re in a mess, but we can throw you a line. iLoan can hand over a bundle quick, but it’ll cost you. Miss payments and it will really cost you.

Sell your soul and live. Have it when it’s due, or die.

iManners: Gauche is a deal breaker.

At dinner, the person sitting across from you looks good until mouth activity begins. Talking loud and eating at the same time, salad and fish parts shoot across onto your plate, some particles landing in your water glass. Oblivious, the person makes it worse by raising an arm, loudly snapping fingers for the waiter. Gross. If you or someone you still care about fits this profile, iManners can step in. We’ll corral that gauche behavior, lay it out, and transform that goat.

From the barn to better…so you can take them anywhere.

iMean: Mean what you say, say what you mean.

People that waffle are annoying. Boxed in they’ll say, “Well, what I mean is,” or “I didn’t mean that,” or “I was meaning to.” Christ, take a stand! Figure out what matters to you, take a position, and follow through. iMean can shore up the flimsiest of spines, even yours. We’ll make you stand up straight and look a person in the eye. We’ll scare the sh-t out of you if you don’t.  

Speak up. Put yourself out. Feel better.

iMoved: We’ll help you move without certain people knowing.

We’ve all know folks that are a bummer, are maybe even scary and just won’t go away. Yet, when you move and don’t leave a forwarding address, they make a point to find you. iMoved will step in and take care of it. We’ll pack your stuff, find you a great place, and confuse the hell out of that someone that won’t go away. If that person persists, doesn’t get the message, we’ll break some legs. Then we’ll break some arms and go from there.

I moved. See you later. Come over? Oh, I don’t think so.

iWreck: I’m a wreck. You’re a wreck.

Have you put some miles on your patience, given too much of yourself and received way less in return? Are there spoiled 30-year-olds that still think they're 20-year-olds in your life that suck your energy and feel entitled to have it? Are you just getting hip to the concept of personal boundaries? Well, Christ, you’re probably a wreck. It’s time you pull an emergency brake and hop off that train. Those of us with iWreck have been there. We know the signs and what it’ll take. We’ll slap you silly until you change your ways. Then, we’ll remind you what it’s like to give up that flip chart and have fun.

Be reckless. Unwide. Slap the first sucker that tries to pull you backwards!

iWent: I went so you didn’t have to.

If you're spoiled, feel entitled, and only want to do what you feel like doing, iWent is here. If you have the cash, iWent will take care of it. We’ll go in person to break up with your latest girlfriend, attend your kid’s piano recital, wash your wife’s car, or fulfill your jury service. You can check it off as “I went” without ever leaving the premises.

Don’t go. We’ll go. Stay spoiled.

iWas: Been a junkie, crooked banker? We’ll create a new you.

You’ve popped pills and shot up, burned bridges, been ruthless and unkind, and broken a long list of laws? Well, it’s not too late. iWas can step in, hack you a new identity, and clear your slate. What you “was” can disappear. By becoming an iWas premium member, we will clear your slate up to three times. After that you’ll probably screw up royal, loose all your dough, and will no longer be able to afford us.

Was that once. Now I’m not.

iWanna:  Things you wanna’ do, but are too scarty-cat to do it.

As you look in the mirror can you see your lips still sucking on that pacifier? Do you regularly use words that are just too phonetically close to “mama” (I wanna’, ain’t gonna’)? Are you still living with your parents at 40, but not taking out the trash? Are your to-do Post-its your only colorful friends? iWanna will drag you outside, tell your parents to rent your room, and show you how life is lived. We’ll push you down and get that knee scrape out of the way, get you lost and not feed you till you find your way back, and generally fast-forward your adult maturity to match your age.  You won’t want to go back. You can’t anyway because your room is rented.

Do it, hurt yourself, fail, and eventually succeed.


I had a good time crafting this edgy bit of writing. Did me a lot of good. My mood is up, I'm swimming early in the morning, and not that interested in eating any stuff with questionable ingredients.

To close:

Yes, I did finally see the doctor and wasn’t at all grouchy about the long wait because I was so heavily engaged with these nouns and verbs.

Yes, I’ll copyright these business titles, taglines, and quirky descriptions.

Yes, Maybe I’ll further develop this work and write something that expands on the overall idea.

Yes, Even looking out over the (sometimes frustrating) terrain of our group process called “society,” it did help to write this stuff as a kind of pressure release and truth telling vehicle.

Yes, You should also try having some fun with words. At the very least you may go from a frown to a grin and maybe even laughing out loud.

I’ll leave you with this for now.

As always, best to you,

Lorraine

blog: lorrainegarcianakata.blogspot.com
web site: http://lorrainegn.com/

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